Domestic Violence and Why Victims Stay

Given what domestic violence victims experience and the lethality risk they are exposed to at the hands of an abuser, a common question people ask is: Why do they stay?

Domestic violence is a complicated relationship dynamic, especially considering the DV Cycle of Violence. A number of factors contribute to a victim’s decision to stay and even recant if they have reported the violence to the criminal justice system. Many times, the people who know and even love the victim become frustrated with what they perceive as indecision on the victim’s part. This response from friends, family, coworkers, and even people who work in the criminal justice system can further isolate the victim, increasing the victim’s dependence on the abuser.

When working with a victim in any capacity, it’s important to consider the following reasons why victims stay with their abusers:

RETALIATION

Abusers use a number of tactics to control the victim, including making threats of physical violence against the victim or someone the victim cares about, threats to spread rumors about the victim, threats to ruin the victim’s credibility, etc. They will use the victims history against them, any addictions they may have, or mental health issues they struggle with to convince the victim it is not worth leaving them.

EFFECTS OF ABUSE

Being battered and subjected to emotional abuse can result in the victim experiencing depression and inability to make decisions. Their depression can further isolate them from support, and they may feel hopeless or like they have no other real options but to stay in the abusive relationship.

GUILT

Narcissistic abusers can easily manipulate victims into feeling guilty over decisions they make that displease, hurt, or anger the abuser, even if that wasn’t the victim’s intention. Abusers will convince the victim that the victims choice to leave, seek help, or report the violence could ruin the abuser’s life, cause them to relapse into addictions, or disappoint other family members and friends.

ECONOMIC DEPENDENCE

Whether it’s lack of independent income or lack of financial knowledge and skills, some victims are economically dependent upon their abuser. The victim may not even have access to bank accounts, credit cards, or cash. He or she may have to account for all money spent on necessities or even be denied necessities. Without financial resources or the confidence they can build financial knowledge and skills, victims may feel trapped in their circumstances with the abuser.

DEPENDENCE ON TRADITIONAL GENDER ROLES

Although there has been a societal shift away from traditional gender roles, there are still long held beliefs by some individuals and couples that place one person in the relationship in the role as leader and the other in more of a submissive role. While that alone does not mean the relationship is abusive, those beliefs can be detrimental to a victim in a relationship where domestic violence is occurring. A victim may not believe it is their place to be independent or may consider it a violation of personal, or even religious practices, to obtain a divorce. Additionally, some victims, despite the abuse, still derive a sense of security from something that is familiar.

CHILDREN

When the victim and abuser have children together, those children are a huge factor in a victim’s decision to stay or leave. Victims sometimes feel stuck between a rock and a hard place, especially if the victim has done well to hide the abuse from the children. The victim may fear that the abuser will eventually harm the children, but if the victim leaves, the children may not understand why and resent the victim. Victims who are mothers may feel like their children need a male role model while victims who are fathers may assume that they’ll have to legal rights to the children.

ISOLATION

Because the friends, family, and peers of domestic violence victims can become emotionally involved in what the victim is going through, they can experience burnout or frustration with a victim who stays with or goes back to an abuser, especially if people surrounding the victim have taken risks for that person or have opened up their home to them.

Additionally, some victims might push and pull people who care about them away if they have injuries they want to hide, depression they are struggling with, or other factors that aren’t known to their friends, family, and peers. This can further isolate a victim who may then rely solely on the abuser to meet all of the victim’s social and emotional needs.

PERSONAL HISTORY

For people who have grown up in abusive homes, domestic violence may be what they know or how they define or recognize “love.” Additionally, if victims have experienced other forms of abuse, such as childhood sexual assault, a victim might minimize domestic violence in comparison to other experiences they have had.

LOVE AND HOPE

Finally, domestic violence victims stay because they love the abuser and want the relationship to work. They often believe that there is something they can do to “fix” what is broken in the relationship or with the abuser, and sometimes, they see themselves as the person who needs to change. They remain hopeful that if that “one thing” will happen, the abuse will stop, like if the abuser gets that promotion they’ve been wanting or if the abuser stops drinking. Sadly, domestic violence isn’t about any quick fixes. It’s about the abuser and their need for power and control.

Suggested Citation for this Article

Glenn, K.M., Criminal Justice Know How, LLC, October 2020, Domestic Violence and Why Victims Stay, https://criminaljusticeknowhow.com/domestic-violence-and-why-victims-stay/.